Day 52: Sunday, May 1, 2011

After lunch, at the waterfall, she told me that she was married when I asked if she had a boyfriend... My heart dropped, but I tried not to show it.

Mixed Feelings

Day 53: Monday, May 2, 2011

I met Yusuke at Shinjuku station after lunch because he was going to help me shop for a digital camera since he had just bought one the other day. Before doing that, we decided to get some coffee. He took me up to the Odakyu department store’s rooftop. When the elevator door opened, I saw a park, which blew me away because I never knew that something like this existed directly above the station. While I was drinking some kind of iced berried juice from the Amazon, I tested out his new camera- the one which I was planning on buying- and was quickly disappointed by how the pictures looked. He was also telling me that using a digital camera actually turned out to be more work than shooting film because of all the shit you had to do on the computer, which was another surprise and another let down for me.

When we finished our drinks, we headed out of the department store and saw a homeless man holding newspapers for sale saying Bin Laden was dead. Yusuke and I were shocked, saying we couldn’t believe it, and then I made the stupid joke, “Wasn’t he already dead...?” We continued on our way stunned, but then five minutes later forgot all about it.

At the store, Yusuke showed me the used camera body that I was supposed to get, but then it turned out that I would have to get new lenses as well because the sensor-thing-a-majig was too small making my current lenses from my film camera strange and more zoomed in, and then there were also memory cards and batteries that I would have to get on top of that… In the end, it turned out to be a lot more expensive than I had imagined, which was another shock because besides the convenience aspect, I thought I would be saving money in the long run. I didn’t see the point anymore in forking over that much money buying something that I didn’t even want or like, so I gave up on the idea.

Yusuke had to pick up his pictures from the lab, which was the same place where I bought 100,000 yen ($1,000) worth of film two days back. I showed him the sign in Japanese where it said, “Once it’s sold out, there is no more,” and then he laughed. He said that I had read it wrong… The sign only meant that they would stop selling it in bulk as opposed to stopping the entire production of the film line itself. In a way, I felt tremendously relieved that film in general was not ending yet and that I didn’t have to get a digital camera, but at the same time felt so fucking stupid for buying so much film the other day… I was filled with these mixed feelings for the next fifteen minutes or so (which was longer than my reaction to Bin Laden’s death).

When I got home later that evening, I checked my email and noticed that I got another freelance job offer, but as soon as I saw what magazine it was from, I got really angry because they were one of the shadiest and most unprofessional companies I had ever worked with. They were the kind of magazine that would be really nice and promise you money for doing an assignment for them, but after you sent them what they needed, they would stop all communication with you and never pay or send you the magazines that your work was featured in. Even worse, after a year or so, they would contact you again and be really nice and by that time, either you forgot about what happened before or were not as angry anymore, so you decide to be optimistic and give them another chance, but, of course, they fuck you over again. This happened to me four times over the past four years. Anyways the person who was contacting me now replaced the old photo editor, so I didn’t know if he was more legit than the man before or not, but I decided to let him know my qualms with their company and how if he really wanted to work with me, that he would have to take certain steps to correct past debts. While I was writing it, I knew Ian would have told me not to because Ian knows a lot about business especially business strategy but he was not there (Yuki and him were still in Singapore on vacation) and actually as much as I love Ian, I am coming to learn that even though he is more experienced and older than me, in the end we are different people with different objectives and what works for him doesn’t necessarily work for me. Therefore even though I was desperate for more freelance work and probably burning bridges with this magazine forever, I sent the email.

Ten minutes later, I got a lame reply back from that guy apologizing while also saying that he had heard that many other photographers had made the same complaints in the past as well… But in the end, he said he couldn’t do anything about making sure that I would get paid for past debts or even have them send me my magazines because it was not his job… but actually in my opinion, it was his job because editors supposedly should be the middle man between the freelancer and the magazine during the whole working process- beginning, middle, and especially the end.… In a way, his excuse sounded to me a little like what soldiers in Nazi Germany said to defend themselves when they lost the war and were on trial- that they knew the whole time of all the bad things going on, but decided not to say or do anything because they were scared, so the bad things just kept continuing or getting worse… It was ironic because that magazine claimed to promote and celebrate youth culture but all they really did was exploit and step on young people who were naïve and desperate enough to get their shit published. Anyways writing my email to him didn’t make me feel any better. Actually it made me feel worse like I had stooped down to their level, which filled me with even more mixed feelings than if I just had ignored it… In the end, imaginary Ian was right.

Day 55: Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Korean and his family, whom live in the fancy apartment across from us, are finally back. They had been gone for two months after the quake and the whole time the place looked like a ghost house (even with the automatic lights that came on at night). Today from the balcony, I could see that their place was full of life again. The dad was out sweeping the garage floor in his pajamas and occasionally I could see the kids again in the second floor window. In the back of my mind, even though I knew it was totally wrong, I couldn’t help but think flyjin because they had been gone for so long, and as much as I tried pushing it down, it kept popping back up unconsciously… The whole time while the dad was sweeping, I think he knew because he wouldn’t look me in the eye.

Sanya

Happiness

For the past few days, I’ve been feeling exhausted and unmotivated. Everyday it’s the same old routine plus I started watching and being addicted to television again. When I am not watching it, all I can think about is my TV show (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) as if the characters are real and a part of my life; or if I am not thinking about that, I am thinking about a girl (…one in particular).

My current situation reminds me of last summer- the time after I had broken up with my ex. I ran into a friend of a friend at a gallery one day and we decided to exchange information and hang out. I could tell she was kind of into me. I think we met twice- nothing happened at all because I wasn’t really interested, but I guess I probably had sent her mixed signals because it was nice to be liked for a change… I think she was lonely. My friend mentioned to me before that she never had a boyfriend or she hadn’t had one in a while- I forget which but I guess that explains a lot because she began texting me a lot by phone… almost to the point where it got creepy. Then one day when a group of us were hanging out at a bar, she mentioned to me that she was planning on moving, which was weird because the last time I had talked to her, she had said that she loved her place because it was in the nicest location ever. I could tell what was coming… I hesitantly asked her where she was thinking of moving to. She looked me in the eyes and said “Eifuku,” which was where I was living at the time. After the party, I stopped communication with her entirely because she was living in her own movie where I was her main character which could save her from her problems but in reality, we had only hung out twice and was still a complete stranger… plus I was scared.

Anyways I can feel the reversed happening to me now (in not such an extreme case of course) but I find myself liking someone who is not available. And I know it’s just because I’m in a bad state right now and that I just want it to stop, but, of course, the only way it could happen is if I find the answer myself.

Ever since T.B., I keep being reminded that there is no such thing as happy endings because life isn’t like a movie or a T.V. show where finally after things are resolved and people are happy, it cuts to black. Life just keeps on going and that happiness soon disappears because it is only temporary. Sadly, it is a runner-up to boredom, loneliness, and ennui, which take up much more of one’s life... We are all trying to find happiness as our ultimate goal, but I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not the right way to go about living.

Uchuu Masaaji

Day 58: Saturday, May 7, 2011

It was raining on and off all day. I stayed home and looked at my new photos, which I had gotten in the mail yesterday, while taking breaks to watch Terminator.

Around 4:00 P.M. Yusuke (from Hajimeten) said he would be in my neighborhood soon and that we should hang out. Thirty minutes later, I met him at the station. I assumed we’d just get coffee or something, but he was there with our friend Shoko saying something about getting a Uchuu Masaaji (Space Massage) from someone... I had no idea what he was talking about. He also said that I had probably met the masseur before. Well the guy came and I definitely hadn’t met him before because he looked like a rainbow. He took us to his place, which was right next to my supermarket. From the outside it looked real fancy and while we were going up the elevator, Yusuke was telling me that he was married and just had a kid.

We entered his apartment, which was basically just a room with a big bed taking up most of the space and a window blocked by the next building over. I couldn't imagine a family living there. He told us to sit down on his bed while he took off his clothes, which made me embarrassed so I had to look away. Underneath he was wearing pajamas with stars.

Yusuke went first and told me to be prepared because the guy would be making crazy faces (this was Yusuke’s second time receiving treatment). The guy put his hands on Yusuke’s shoulders and then suddenly his eyes opened up wide, stuck his tongue out and wiggled it like a snake, and then began breathing heavily. I had to do my best to keep from laughing.

Seeing Stars

Throughout the massage, Yusuke kept saying “Atsui! Atsui!”, which means "hot" in Japanese. After thirty minutes, the guy was done. He said Yusuke originally had some bad space karma before, but was getting better this second time around. Yusuke then said I should give it a try. Since I was feeling irritable these days, I thought that maybe it would help, so I submitted myself to Primitive (the masseur’s nickname) and his tongue.

For the first twenty minutes, I didn’t feel much besides a comfortable massage and his hot sweaty hands, but later my body started to heat up and then my stomach, which I have to admit was a bit unusual… The whole time I could hear his tongue wiggling and his heavy breathing behind me. Afterwards the man said I had nothing to worry about, and, to be honest, I didn’t feel any different when it was all over, which was unfortunate because I was hoping that a space massage would cure my problems.

Around 11:00 that night, I got a text message from Yuki saying that they were back from their trip and would be home in thirty minutes, which was a day earlier than I had expected, so within that 30 minutes I cleaned up the entire house as if I was in a stereotypical high school movie where after having a big party and the place was trashed, my parents would be home any minute. After I finished, I was completely exhausted and went out to the balcony to cool off at the exact same time Yuki and Ian arrived. They waved up to me from below looking tanned and happy; and then I was no longer alone.

Day 60: Monday, May 9, 2011

While I was writing in the morning, there was a knock on the door. Ian and I both got up and answered it. A young housewife about 30-35 years old, who lived somewhere nearby, greeted us with a smile, but, at the same time, looked rather disconcerted. I began to worry if it had something to do with me taking pictures from my window everyday and if the neighbors were getting paranoid, but immediately she revealed why she came.

“Willy’s over at my house,” she said and then quickly iterated, “ but I didn’t feed her though!” She said that because we had written on Willy’s collar a message telling strangers not to feed her. I held back my surprise, yet this confirmed my suspicion that Willy had been hanging out at other people’s houses all along. She then continued, “We were just playing, and then suddenly she seemed sick.”

I asked her if she was dry heaving or vomiting because Willy often did that (because strangers kept feeding her hence the sign on her collar), but she shook her head and said Willy couldn’t walk, which was another surprise for Ian and I, and sounded rather serious. I wanted to run upstairs to get my camera, but there was no time. We hurried over to her house across the street where I had seen Willy hanging out on her stoop the week before.

We stood at her front entrance, and she brought Willy outside, who didn’t look quite right. Ian took her in his arms, and then set her down on the ground. Immediately she collapsed. We were all shocked. He picked her up again. The other neighbors who were also outside cutting branches from their tree came over to see what was wrong. And then an old lady from around the corner also wobbled over looking horribly concerned. I remembered that there was an animal hospital nearby and told Ian about it, but while I was mentioning this, I noticed something strange... Willy’s left leg was caught inside her pink collar, so I pointed it out to everyone. Ian undid the collar and we put Willy back on the ground and she walked- actually more like skulked- over to the alley and hid in the shadows as if embarrassed. Everyone let out a sigh of relief. The young lady apologized for the trouble; the old lady from around the corner said she almost had a heart attack because she admitted that she too had been feeding Willy; and the men, who had been cutting the tree, kept making poses as if their hands were caught in a collar… Willy then disappeared further down the alley and then we went home.

A minute later, I went out on the balcony with my camera to see if I could capture anything left from that incident, but the only people who were still outside were the two old men cutting the tree... They looked up at me, smiled, and then made the paw-caught-in-the-collar pose. I smiled back, and when they were not looking, took their picture and then went inside.

Feeling Handicapped

There is a center for mentally handicapped people just around the corner of our house. The staff usually takes a group of five or six handicapped people out on a walk along a route that passes our house a few times a day. Sometimes when I am in the office, I hear screaming or excited noises outside, so I run out onto the balcony with my camera thinking it would be something crazy, but it usually turns out to be just them, whom, you could say, are also a bit crazy (tasteless, I know).

At first, when I began documenting the streets around my house from my balcony, I consciously avoided taking their picture even though they passed by everyday because to do so, of course, was morally taboo and it just seemed mean/exploitative… but as weeks went by, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that was exactly why I should shoot them- not for the sake of being mean or exploitative- but because to do otherwise was straight-up discrimination just because they were different or special… If you treat handicapped people like every other bald guy, construction worker, school kid, pigeon, or cat that walks by than they are just as much a part of this world as everyone else.

My heart still pounds every time I take their photograph though. I know it is not because what I am doing is intrinsically bad, but because I am afraid of what would happen if the neighbors actually saw me.

For Kayo

Yuki's Mother

Day 65 + 66: Saturday + Sunday, May 14 + 15, 2011

Yuki’s mom came and stayed with us for a few days to help them plan for their wedding. The first night she was here I had the worst headache ever from staring at the computer all day. Later I had to go out, but got back home in time to join them for dinner. Hanging out with her and eating unagi (which she brought all the way from Nagoya and must have been expensive) made me feel much better.

After we ate, Ian said that I should show her Talking Barnacles, but I didn’t think she would understand. He kept pushing me, so I finally relented and got out my computer. Yuki, Ian, and I walked her through it from the very beginning… We told her about how crazy it was at our home during the first seven days after the quake; we showed her the photo of Ian and Willy on the shinkansen when we were escaping to her house in Fukuoka; the photo of her husband when we were visiting, Ian’s double chin, me with green hair, her daughter drunk on her birthday, Hayato and our neighbors shot from our window... It was interesting to see our life again with a new pair of eyes; and I think she understood most of it because she laughed at all the right parts.

Breakfast (Apples And Doughnuts)

Yuki’s mother stayed another night after that then left for Fukuoka the next morning. It was nice having a mother around because it changed the dynamic of the household and I think brought my roommates and I back closer again. The funny thing was, like most mothers, she was so hardcore about cleaning up that she would vacuum the entire house in the early morning and do the dishes if we left them in the sink for more than ten minutes, but Ian and I both noticed quickly that she didn’t do a very good job because all the cups were still dirty; and we had to wash them again when she was not around.