Day 301: Thursday, January 05, 2012

This morning I woke up thinking about someone, who is better not to mention anymore, and during that time my heart welled-up with emotions and felt like it was going to burst. I wonder why feelings are always so much more intense when you wake up. I have this theory that it’s like being reborn day after day... and that before you have time to put up your trained defenses, your pure and untainted feelings are exposed like a baby for a few fleeting moments…

Anyways after working on T.B. and I was heading out of the house for groceries, I thought of another girl- my friend who was with me when Willy died- and how even though I thought of us just as friends, she said she loved me the night after we cremated my cat, which immediately made me withdraw inside and pull up my guard. When she left the next day, I was relieved and felt bad for feeling that way since she was supportive the whole time about Willy and, in general, she is a kind person.

A couple days after, she mentioned that she was coming back to Tokyo on the sixth for business and asked if I was busy, but since I didn’t want to lead her on anymore, I told her that I didn’t know yet and would get back to her. Since then, every time, she texted me to say hello and see how I was doing, my replies would get slower and slower and shorter and shorter. Because the date of her inevitable visit approaches, I texted her yesterday to see if she was still coming, but because I think finally understood the subtle messages that I’ve been trying to give her, I’ve gotten no reply back so far...

Now as I walk to the grocery store, I feel torn while in the back of my mind wondering about all the things we do just to get through the day.