Friday, July 13, 2012

"External Pressures 2" (Photo: Kid At First Day of School Ceremony)

Most of my previous conflicts that arose this past month are now almost resolved: the quakes and radiation are still present, but exist in the background of our lives- they might be irksome, but we have generally gotten used to them; losing my job and worrying about what to do with my life has somewhat been answered with the decision of going freelance since opportunities have arisen with the popularity of this project/blog; and my parents have all finally given me their support... so what else is there to write about now? I pondered that question while riding my skateboard the other day, half relieved yet half worried, but in the back of my mind, I knew my problems were not over… there was more to come because when you speak that freely for so long in the public sphere, the wave of repercussions will come for you.

It started out small… people around me would do or say something stupid, and then joke, “Don’t blog about this!”, but then eventually their continual jokes weren’t jokes anymore, and it spread to other things, and I could see the stress building up on their faces, which left me stressed as well… And then one day, I might meet someone, and want to write about that special someone, but if I write about that special someone, someone else would get hurt… And then the problem gets more and more complicated and turns into something like a black hole, and then I am forced to skip around these holes that are growing in number, which in the end, defeats the purpose of this project/blog because all I want to do is write about my life the way it really happens and without any restrictions.

So last week, I decided to face the wave, and write about everything that everyone has been telling me not to write about… I knew I was going to get even more shit for it, but what I wanted and was hoping to show them was that their worries and fears were trivial compared to the bigger picture that I wanted to discuss… and… I thought I had done it- done it with words, reason, and, most importantly, with sincerity. I knew it would sting when they first realized what I had done, which was go against their wishes, but by the end, I thought I could convert them to see everything how I saw it… like the picture/story about my roommate Ian and his double chin (click here to read)...

...I knew how Ian would react when he first saw it on my site, which was basically him calling me a dick and an asshole, but I reassured him to just keep reading, and then when he was finally done, Ian got up with a big smile and gave me a hug… so I thought I could do this on a grander scale, and I thought I had done it… so before I posted it, I decided to do the right thing and show it to all the people involved to get their permission, but surprisingly- actually not surprising at all- none of them could even get past the sting… Their minds just turned into anger and then into mush… but before the mush, one person even became violent, which made me sad… so I guess you can’t reason with people’s insecurities and that even though I wanted to believe that I could help people with what I am doing, I ended up hurting others in return… and these others are the ones closest to me.

Below is the last part of External Pressures 1 (my unpublished post), which now seems silly to me now:

“What I have learned from doing this project so far, basically saying what should not be said out loud, can sometimes lead to changes for the good… My mom called me today to wish me a happy birthday. When she was done, she said she was going to pass it to my dad, which then I immediately began to sweat and feel nervous because I knew he had read everything that I had written about him online recently… I didn’t know what to expect… I wanted to tell her that it’s okay- that she didn’t have to pass the phone over to my dad- but it was too late and he took the phone, and he answered in a cheerful voice, which I wasn’t expecting at all. He then apologized for making me feel bad for so long, which wasn’t his intention- he was just worried- and the whole time this was going on, I felt tremendously relieved and could barely keep myself from choking up, so I just grunted in response whenever one was needed. And while he was explaining his side, I kept thinking about the time when we were at my grandpa’s funeral in Taiwan, and how he told me that my grandpa had never said that he loved him his entire life, but even so, my dad knew that his father had loved him... But, I am sure that it still must have been hard and carried a toll on my dad’s heart throughout his life, and if he just heard it once, it would have meant the world to him.

So I decided that I am going to talk and keep talking some more, but only about shit that needs to be said. Anyways, I am sorry, xxx, and I am sorry yyy, for sharing too much again like I always do, but, this is me and I can’t help it, and no matter what, I still love you.”

Sadly, no one got that far.

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