Friday, July 13, 2012


Sorry, I have been out of touch. Work was really busy for the last few days of the week and I didn’t have time to do research for you or write back. And then we had family day on Friday and that is always nuts. I ended up going to Stockton yesterday to hang out with the parents and it was very weird and uncomfortable. We couldn't talk about you. Dad tried to ask me what your plan was and I lied and said you were still in Fukuoka and that I hadn't heard from you. And Mom told him that we should not talk about you because we wanted to have a good visit. It really made me sad that we had to tiptoe around the subject of you in Japan. While I know you don't want to be lectured by Dad about your future, Mom and Dad still love you and part of the annoying lectures they give come out of concern for your well-being. I spent the night at their house and woke up and checked my email and got your email checking up with me, and then I read your blog entry and I got really sad- sad that you were made to feel that way by our parents and sad that you and dad will never be able to see things the same way. I felt torn by your entry and how weird I felt the night before when we couldn't talk about you. I guess it was the part where you said it was like a waiting game between the two of you. And I felt like you were wrong this time because mom was trying in her messed up way to give you space by not calling. She's trying her best to be open for a Chinese mom and she's trying to heed my suggestions to let you make decisions for yourself and that you can take care of yourself.

But I also just felt weird and sad because I realized the day before that all we do is lie to our parents and that it comes from our parents. Mom lies all the time to Dad because he doesn’t approve of anything she does, and she lied to him because he hated Eric (*my sister's ex-fiancee) and Zap(*Eric's daughter from another marriage), and she lied to him because she doesn’t want him and you to fight all the time. And I lie to Dad about a lot of the same things and I lie to Mom in a lesser degree because there are things she doesn't understand either, even when she tries too. And you lied to our parents about your photography because they wouldn't understand.

Mom's whole philosophy, which I realize comes from her dad, is that you only tell people what they need to know in order to keep things copacetic. She lives her life this way and I've learned to do it too. It works to keep the peace, but it tears you up inside. I don't want to speak for how you may feel, but I was torn in half all the time when I was with Eric, and after I broke up with him, I was torn even more every day because I had to lie about Zap for the past five years
(*my sister continued to help take care of Zap secretly as if she were her own child, but our parents eventually found out) . It got to a point where I forgot what I'd lied about so it was hard to have any conversations for fear of saying something revealing.

All this being said, I am REALLY proud of you for writing your email to Dad. Regardless of how he responds to it, you told it to him straight. You were honest with him about where you are at, and what is going on with you. I think Mom and Dad- especially Dad- will never really understand us or why we do things, but I think any chance that we can be honest is a big accomplishment. If he doesn't respond in a way that you want, please don’t be discouraged, he is from a different time and has a different idea of what is good and bad and we shouldn’t judge him or let his words judge what we do.

Every time I hang out at home I feel sad about Dad, in some ways he's mellowed out in old age and smiles more and is cute and loveable, but at the same time, he seems more set against modern things he doesn’t understand and shuts himself off. I have even less to talk about with Dad than I used to. He just sits in his office and watches Chinese TV and comes up for dinner. He and Mom bicker all the time about everything, at least when I'm there. And I wonder if this is what they do all the time. Dad hides in his room and Mom just watches TV and is sad or empty or depressed… or goes and spends a bunch of money compulsively 'cuz there is nothing at home.

Anyway, I don’t know what I'm trying to say. It was just kind of a sad weekend and I've had a lot of feelings swirling around in me because of it. But then I got this email from you and it made me feel happy to know you talked to Mom and told her where you were living and what was going on with you. And I'm also really happy to hear that the blog is leading to opportunities. REALLY BIG amazing sounding opportunities. I am really proud of you.

Its getting late and I’m pretty emo myself right now, but I love you and I’ll talk to you soon.


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