Thursday, July 12, 2012


Day 315: Thursday, January 19, 2012

Yesterday because many people stopped by to see the Willy exhibition throughout the day, I didn’t have time to work on my book or on Barnacles, which left me feeling uneasy. This morning, when I finally had a moment to myself and was about to write, I heard someone come down the stairs and enter the bathroom. I kept hoping that whoever it was that he or she would go back to bed afterwards, but soon the kitchen door opened and it was Naoyuki, our houseguest. He sat down next to me and began talking about photography at 7:50 in the morning, so I gave up on working
again. After we had toast, I decided that I since I wasn’t going to accomplish anything staying here that I might as well go to the gym to work out my frustration.

At the gym, my bouldering friend was not there, so I had the place to myself and as I climbed, listening to a generic mix that they had on called Music of the Millenium, I realized that my designer had not written me back yet… Last Friday, she invited me to a lecture, which I wasn’t very interested in, but because she had invited me, I went. An hour into it, I had to leave early in order to make it on time for Yosuke’s exhibition opening. Before I left, I invited her to join, but she said it didn’t seem likely that she could go. Later at the party though, she texted me and said that she was on her way. A lot of my friends were surprised to finally meet her including Yosuke whose knees buckled when I introduced them.

The night ended nicely and of course the next day, she filled my mind all day. As I tried to edit my book, I was stuck. The following day, it was the same- it was the fourth day straight where I hadn’t accomplished anything. I knew I needed some outside advice, so I texted her but to my surprise she refused and said that I should just ask the designer that my publishers had hired. From her message, I could tell that she was mad that she wasn’t able to design my book even though I tried my best to get her the job, but failed. By the end of the night, I had a panic attack and wrote my publisher that I couldn’t edit anymore and would let them handle it, but the next day, Yuki helped me and I finally got into the flow.

Yesterday in the shower, I thought of my old designer and was still mad- mad about how she burned me in my time of need, so I wrote her a message, which was probably too harsh, and now she hasn’t written me back. I know that she understands that I did try to get her the job, but like a bad seed growing inside, I bet she wonders how hard because I fell prey to it too. A month back, when I as still in the discussion stages with the publishers, more than once the thought of choosing someone famous did cross my mind because I was getting insecure since this would be my first big book and I didn’t want to blow it, but in the end, I did remember what she had done for me in the past, so I fought for her, but like most battles, I lost. I hope she knows that I was a dick to her the other day because I was hurt and that in actuality I would do anything for her if I could or, let's say, if she would let me.

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